here's the deal.

i've figured out recently, through extensive research and through spending a few hours a day trying desperately to fix the problem myself, that it is not normal to go into the windows task manager on a personal computer and to find that there are over 40 executable files running that you did not ask to run at any one time. it's making my computer overheat/turn off/bring up the blue screen of death/act ridiculous in any number of ways and ALL the problematic programs that i'm certain are just annoyances and aren't important are impervious to erasure/acting of their own free will/completely oblivious to me.

not to mention i have, in the past while trying to eliminate what i thought were unnecessary files, totally screwed up the whole .net framework among plently of other things i actually kind of need... those are old problems that i've overcome by using stupid dated programs like "paint" instead of "paint.net," but still...

when i try and go online with internet explorer, window after window of blank content pops up and it's difficult to override said process/stop it.

when i go online with mozilla firefox it acts normal (albeit incredibly slow) for a little while, but after about fifteen minutes it stops coming up entirely and says something about a proxy server not responding and doesn't let me access the internet anymore.

i've used a few free spyware/adware services, but those are so slowed down at this point by all the shit running on my computer that they usually stop themselves midway through, or the computer overheats and shuts itself off before it can finish, or the blue screen of death comes up and i have to turn it off before any progress is made.

one file in particular i've found that takes up every bit of cpu i have left when other programs are running, and which causes my laptop to overheat, is qttask.exe. this file is apparently installed by quicktime and is near-impossible to get rid of. yes!

while i would generally just try and focus on getting this qttask abomination off my hard drive etc etc, there are clearly far more problems than that and it's starting to seem more and more like it'd just be sensible to reinstall the operating system and say a tearful farewell to all of my music, pictures, and documents.

i've steeled myself. i'm ready to do it.

here's the deal, though:

i don't know what i'm doing.

i have the operating system install disc (windows xp professional), and i've been made to believe that if i put said disc in, it'll take care of the problem and just reinstall everything and get rid of everything else blah blah blah everything'll be peachy...

i do not trust this information. i need it from at least 2 other sources. hell to the no i won't just trust one person and potentially ruin my laptop forever and ever amen.

i also have all the driver discs and the word processor program disc etc, so don't worry about me losing those.

regardless i need help or a walk-through or something.

in case you haven't figured this out -- i'm on a roommates computer, not my own. my own is being a dickface. it's only being a dickface because it's filled with bullshit i didn't allow intentionally. i allowed it because i'm uninformed and because i'm an asshole. generally it's a gem. i love you, dell inspiron 1150! i've loved you for 5 years! don't give up on me now!

I HAVE NEVER REINSTALLED AN OPERATING SYSTEM BEFORE AND I AM AFRAID!


oh, jeez.

so yeah... if you feel like, you know, helping danielle chiasson out of this bind and making her feel a little better about being.... well... entirely irresponsible. she'll be very grateful. she'll probably buy you a meal of some sort.

free food? i mean, really? who gives that up?

so i'm starting to think about my next computer purchase since my current computer is looking more and more like it desperately wants to shit the bed. it won't be for a while that i purchase a new computer--but...

here's what i'm thinking --

on the dell website you can get a very very basic very very small (but very very portable by the same token) 9" mini that would be light and take-anywhere-able for $249. i could also purchase a 250gb external hard drive to actually keep shit like music and photos and papers and stuff on for another $90 and an external cd drive for another $90. i already have an external floppy drive around here somewhere.

were i to do this i would have, well, a teeny tiny computer with linux--an operating system i'm totally unused to, but that i always hear is relatively easy to GET used to and is safer virus-wise than windows--and i would have some extreme portability.

the inherent questions are as follows:

(1) is a netbook from dell a good idea or are there just-as-reasonably-priced-but-better-quality ones out there?
(2) should i upgrade the standard 4gb solid state hard drive to a 8gb solid state hard drive just in case i suddenly need to save a whole lot more shit than usual while not at home?
(3) should i get ubuntu at all, or upgrade to windows so that it'll be easier to transfer my files to my old laptop (which i'm sure i'll keep around)
(4) do i have a need for a cd-writing drive instead of just a cd-reading drive? and should i invest in one since i've been frustrated in the past that my current computer doesn't have one?
(5) do i want to stick with black and save $30, or do i want to go with a fun color like the dell commercials only to possibly get really sick of having a colored netbook later?
(6) will i hate having a 9" computer? really, i mean, the keyboard would be MORE than small and the screen would probably be difficult to read if i kept everything small, and difficult to organize if i made it big... however, i mean, i guess i COULD hook a big monitor up to it at home, but... i mean really... how much shit can you/do you want to plug into a teeny tiny netbook?

for some reason standard-sized laptops are really turning me off, because now that i have this cricket broadband service and have the internet, you know, everywhere i go... i've been taking my laptop everywhere i go. and it's heavy. and annoying. and starting to fall apart a little from being 5 years old and being carried around so much...

the teeny tiny computer idea is really really growing on me for a number of reasons, but they're so foreign to me...

i should probably wander around best buy or something and play with a few if they have them.



see:
the dell mini i'm talking about
also:
a good article on netbooks, ranking them from worst to best
also:
the WIND (wi-fi network device) by MSI on amazon.com (pros: bigger, more space; cons: bigger, more expensive)...
also:
the acer aspire one (supposedly possibly "the one" when it comes to netbooks)

hold me to this:

things i need to do--

(1) start waking up by ten am every day.
(2) buy calcium supplements and take them daily.
(3) eat more bananas. or i guess more fruit in general. bananas for the potassium, though.
(4) eat less dairy.
(5) look at nutrition facts on things.
(6) limit drinking to once a week for a good while.
(7) start riding my bike to work and lunch and stuff a lot more. (by a lot more i mean again at all. i mean... i've used the cold weather as an excuse not to ride for, like, a month and a half).
(8) read the paper more. (i haven't in at least a month). (maybe even subscribe to the sunday times)?
(9) clean house. purge self of all the shit i've accumulated over the years (It'll help me keep my house cleaner).
(10) get a general physical and a vajayjay checkup and stuff. things i've been putting off for way too long.
(11) finally finish process to get license back.
(12) clean out car and get it washed/detailed. also unhook and rehook battery so i can get my stereo working again.
(13) start going to greensboro once or twice a week and hanging out with old friends--also looking at houses in the uncg area and into getting a job around there.
(14) get kitten neutered.
(15) eat fewer fried things. stick to fruit and veggies as sides.


other things i'd like to start doing:

- get up early enough to ride bike up to chelsee's or caffe prada every morning and get some coffee and a paper.
- go grocery shopping more and make an effort to make food at home instead of eating out.
- make an extra money jar and DON'T USE SAID MONEY UNLESS I HAVE TO. maybe even get a break-only piggy bank with no opening other than the top thingy.




i have to go to work. laaaaaame.


dr. phil is ridiculous: "so you don't want std's or to get pregnant but it's ok to get dead?" man oh man. classic. i'm so lame.

see you guys later.

juliana(roommate): you know what i like?
me: what?
juliana: toe cleavage.
me: well, that's odd. since you hate feet.
juliana: well, really. i just hate toes.
me: so if the toes are under something, but the cleavage is out, you're cool?
juliana: i mean... like your feet right now. in your shoes.
me: *look down at feet. look up.*
juliana: i mean... i'm not like... uh....
me: ok? cool?



...a little while later...



juliana: you know what else i like?
me: (wary) what?
juliana: feet in socks. like new socks. new white socks.
me: ok?
juliana: or black footy socks. those always look new. black footy socks always look new.
me: sure?
juliana: or there are those abnormal people, you know, whose white socks never get dirty. like they bleach them on the reg.
aaron(other roommate. silent till now): *shrugs*
me: (starting to type at this point): did you say "normal" or "abnormal?"
juliana: abnormal.






this is my life. i love it.

so i haven't written a damn thing on here in over a year i don't believe. uhhh... sorry for those you who still read it. that being maybe two of you.

hi chris. hi megan. what's up?



call a bitch. (336)4556966.




danielle.

life is strange and interesting lately.

i've been doing really well at river birch lodge and i keep getting this strange feeling like they're grooming me for something bigger. they haven't hired anyone to fill the two manager positions for the people they lost when mollie and duane left, and they're just running the restaurant with three managers right now, which is admittedly difficult on everybody since it's a pretty huge restaurant and there is always, at very least, one manager there.

however, i don't think they want ME to be a manager, i haven't been there all that long (sevenish months) and, though i have a limited amount of RETAIL management experience, i also have a limited number of hours available etc etc etc... that's not what i feel like they're grooming me for. i just can't figure out what it is.

they keep giving me captain (head server) shifts even though i never asked for them. and they never trained me in any way for them. i just show up one day and look at the clipboard with the sections and the specials and stuff and, LO AND BEHOLD, i am captain. it's only been about three weeks and i've been captain at least 5 times since. people who are NORMALLY captain, who have been captain for years, are overlooked and there i am on the clipboard again as captain. it's really really strange.

and then i walk into midtown cafe today. the last time i'd been there was a random morning when i walked into river birch and the kitchen manager/chef, travis, handed me the keys to the delivery jeep and told me to run over to midtown and pick up a supply order that'd been accidentally shipped there. (it makes sense that that'd happen. the two places have an owner in common and are closely connected). the point is, i'm the random person, out of all the ones who walked through the door that morning, who travis decided was most trustworthy and responsible.

anyway, i walk in today and katie, a girl who was a server with me when i used to work at midtown and is now a manager, was like "we're opening for dinner again in january. you want to come back and work for us?" i don't know how i responded. i probably made a face or looked away or something. i make a lot more money serving at river birch than i did at midtown. she then, pretty randomly, goes, "how about a management position?"

i was like, "what? i mean... maybe? how many hours?"

she thought a minute and said, "i don't know. we won't be open very late this time around, you'd have to come in earlier... maybe 40-45 hours?"

so basically, i could still take classes at guilford tech in the morning and then make sure i was at midtown at around 3. i imagine i'd be working about 5 days a week from 3 till, maybe, like 10. (well 7 times five is 35... but chris wright never worked more than 7 days a week? i don't know. i'm still a little confused).

pros:
-probably the same amount of money or more than what i make at river birch.
-money comes in paycheck form rather than cash, so i'd be less likely to blow it on dumb shit just because i have money in my pocket.
-familiarity with my surroundings.
-no uniform.
-job experience as a restaurant manager is bound to look really good on future applcations. better, at least, than job experience as a server does.
-managing at night at midtown seems like a pretty cake job. chris and lori used to just get online on the register computer all the time and look up shit on google in the downtime. and there is a LOT of downtime.
-the staff at midtown (unlike any other restaurant at which i've worked) is totally different at night and during the day. there are very VERY few people that work both night and day shifts. i can be fairly certain i'd never have to be at midtown before 3:00. and that, my friends, is golden.
-midtown is closer to my house than river birch.
-midtown is also closer to the highway (in case i have to go there straight from greensboro. there's literally almost a 15 minute difference between getting to midtown from greensboro and getting to river birch from greensboro).
-i'm only going out for an english degree. i have no corresponding big plans to go along with the receipt of said english degree. if, once i'm finished with college, i can't figure out what to do with myself, a background in restaurant management could help me to stay afloat while i get my shit together as far as my future's concerned. ESPECIALLY since i have an interest in one day owning a cafe of my own.

cons:
-leaving all the people at river birch that i've grown pretty fond of.
-hiring/firing would make me pretty damn nervous if it were one of my responsibilities.
-i'd be working FOR the owner. there'd be no buffer between the owner and myself if i fucked up. i'm already sort of doing that at river birch since one of the owner's is a manager there, but my job's not as important or complex....
-having to have a new cleaned, pressed, pretty outfit for every shift. i'm really bad at being able to dress up every day. also, i'm used to just being able to throw my hair into a messy ponytail for work. being clean and pretty is difficult, man. however, i feel like it's something most people end up having to do eventually...
-what if they ARE grooming me for management at river birch? there's a superbly slim chance that they might be. like... i'm at least 95% sure they're not, but what if? i guarantee i'd make more money there.
-i've already set up a situation at river birch where the current management and employees value and respect me. if i were to switch jobs now i'd have to spend another six months building up to that level of respect.
-a big reason i switched back to serving from retail in the first place is because of the schedule flexibility. i'm pretty sure that once you delve into restaurant MANAGEMENT, that flexibility kind of disappears.
-40-45 hours a week is a little high. i usually try to keep it down to 30-35 hours a week if i'm in school. granted next semester i only want to take, like, nine hours... but what about future semesters?


i don't know. scott, the owner at midtown, is a really nice guy and he seems to like me... but he came into river birch the other day and, since he owns that too and they seem to think i'm a good server, they put he and his six-person family in my section and, because we got so packed so fast and everything got really crazy for about an hour while he was there, i feel like i didn't do the best job, really.

hopefully that won't just make him not decide to hire me. also, hopefully when he talks to eddie (the other owner at river birch and the one that's there all the time) they won't decide that i'm just not management material yet and stuff; or that i should wait tables for at least another year or something. i don't really want to miss the opportunity because i'm a little inexperienced if i do end up deciding i want to take it.


i mean, basically i'm confused. and ultimately, you know, i have to make this decision. i hope to god reid's at river birch when i get there tonight, because he's the manager i really want to get advice from since he didn't go to culinary school and stuff and since he isn't an owner and since he's fairly new to this.

maybe he can help me flesh this stuff out.


and last, but not least, am i really leadership material? granted i've sort of done it before. granted i'm sort of doing it now as a captain. granted i'll need those skills down the line if i ever want to open a business.

but i mean.... am i? is it in me?


anyone? comments? please?

so i just got on here to post an entry and it asked if i wanted to "restore from a saved draft" and i was like "what? when did i write on here without posting it?" and i clicked "yes" and up popped a paper tyler was writing for his american presidency class. presumably on his computer, like... elsewhere.

i have no idea why he originally started it in my livejournal... maybe for the spellcheck?

i don't know. it was puzzling and funny to me, at least.



he and i drove out to greensboro for about an hour tonight to see bobby and people and to pick up some shit from bobby's that tyler needed. it was really really nice to spend some time with him. ncsa takes up most of his time. i can't complain, though. everyone else has seen him about 10x less than i have (if at all).

i don't know. moral of the story: i love him. and things seem to be progressing well, even if they're going slowly because there's so little time.


in the meantime i've been occupying myself with lots and LOTS of julie-time.

barsbarsbarsbarsbars.

she and i seriously need to hurry up and get a place. because seriously. drinking at home instead of drinking (and buying drinks for people) at elliot's or finnegan's or silver moon or recreation billiards like i do every night will MORE than make up for the cost of rent. like... by far.


but i'd miss the elliot's and rec. crowds.... i gotta say.



anyway. life ain't bad, folks. life ain't bad.

it's 4:45 pm on saturday, september 22.

and holy motherfucking shit i've officially lost the fucking last of everything.

i've actually been thinking seriously lately about checking myself into a clinic of some kind, or an institution or something to just pull away from everything and everyone in my life and try and figure my brain out. but that's expensive. and i have work. and bills. and responsibilities.




i can't breathe and i feel nauseous.




fuck. fuck me. fuck fuck fuck.


i have to get the fuck out of this house.

ladies and gentlemen.

i feel awful.

saturday night has finally caught up with me.

i'm pretty incredibly sad.

have a good one.

regards, danielle.

so here's what i've been thinking over the course of the day.

and it really came in handy because i helped dustin through a similar situation with the same metaphor i found myself figuring out at some point during my day.

i'm going to need everyone reading this to realize that i'm operating on, like, 15 minutes sleep from last night.


but here it goes:

as the pilot of a plane, if you thought it was too heavy and you were heading for a crash you would start going for some of the cargo onboard and throwing it off, right?

if you had any time whatsoever to think about it (and in this scenario you do have some time to think about it) you would throw off things that were less important, like on-flight meals and shit. you don't just start heaving the onboard pressurizer or the oxygen tanks or anything off the plane.

the things that you throw off the plane to make things lighter and more stable, and to comfort yourself... those are the things that are far less important.

especially if you only pick one, (granted an especially heavy one).

and sure, maybe you'll regret it later. maybe you'll go back with a search party or some shit. maybe it'll be findable and salvageable down the road.

but you threw it off because in that crisis moment it no longer becomes important. it no longer matters.



that's where i am; at least in this one particular situation:

i'm the useless cargo that got thrown off when times got tough.




the question is: can i really deal with that?

i just wrote a whole entry, and then posted it as private because it was pretty naked and awful and horrifying.


just know that it's almost seven a.m. and i have to be up in three hours.


and that i basically can't stand myself anymore and i've been thinking about it and there's a chance i'm about to become a hermit and start locking myself in my room and reading really really soon.



i have $121 right now.

and i've started to realize that living day-to-day with all the debt i've accumulated and with everything else just isn't going to cut it anymore.

if i want to feel ok again, if i want to feel like a normal fucking human being, i have to get a grip and find some stability and security and get comfortable in my skin.



i have to move out of my mother's house, step 1.

from there i guess i'll feel my way.



i'm considering quitting drinking. not only does it suck up a lot of money, it's one of the easiest-to-access tools which one can use to run away from their problems...




oh jesus. my mom's up.


well. good night.

here's the question of the moment, day, week, month, season, year.....


"what now?"




since i have no easy answer: here, instead, is a fun experiment:




IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your music library.
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Opening Credits:
"i know we could be so happy, baby, if we wanted to be." -- jeff buckley.

Waking Up:
"asleep on a sunbeam." -- belle and sebastian.

First Day of School:
"i like your purse." -- autopassion.

Falling in Love:
"heroes." -- david bowie.

Fight Song:
"violently happy." -- bjork.

Breaking Up:
"under pressure." -- david bowie and queen.

Life:
"bit part." -- the lemonheads.

Mental Breakdown:
"relief." -- denali.

Driving:
"dream brother." -- jeff buckley.

Flashback:
"ashes to ashes." -- david bowie.

Getting Back Together:
"spiral staircase." -- kings of leon.

Wedding:
"float on." -- modest mouse.

Birth of Child:
"shout." -- tears for fears.

Final Battle:
"the drinks we drank last night." -- azure ray.

Death Scene:
"my funny valentine" as sung by matt damon in 'the talented mr. ripley.'

Funeral Song:
"the camel city." -- codeseven.

End Credits:
"panic attack." -- turin brakes.




i bought some taco bell but only ate about half of it. i don't know how well stuff like this refrigerates....



i think julie and josh talley and i are moving in together. should be pretty rad. it'll be near ncsa, which is cool in the event that tyler does, in fact, ever have time for anyone ever again after that school gets it's hold on him.


i need to get a grip on myself. on my life. on something. i feel like i'm standing on the edge of the ocean and the sand is slowly sweeping out from underneath my feet.

how does one take a step back, though? where does this metaphor stop being so easy?

why is my itunes so into david bowie right now? damn, dude. it's playing yet another bowie song.




good night ladies. good night sweet ladies. good night. good night. good night.

ok.

so.

i've been doing a lot of thinking over the course of the past, i don't know, hour or so.

and i mean, it all started when julie found a $20 bill lying on the floor at silver moon saloon.

she decided that, for her karma and her consciences sake, she couldn't just KEEP the money (which i fully supported and she pointed out that i'm probably one of the few that actually would support a decision like that).

we went on a massive search for a homeless (or otherwise needy) person to whom we could give the money.

in our search, after walking only a short distance, we were suddenly approached by a man who was not asking for money but was looking for someone to vent to about the fact that at social services they agreed to pay all the bills (heating, electric, rent, etc) for a family in line ahead of him, but they would only pay $32 of his $40 bill. he showed us his credentials, his ID card or whatever, stating that he was a war veteran etc etc etc, and he was wondering why it was that he, even though he did not have a family, couldn't get $40 to pay this particular bill.

he then went on to say that he'd been to several bars and such looking for simple work (clean the bathroom, take out the trash, etc) in order to make the last eight dollars but no one was letting him.

his attitude about the entire thing was "please! just tell me! what is wrong with america today!?"

julie went inside, acting like she had to use the bathroom, and changed out the $20 for two tens and presented the man with a ten dollar bill to pay the rest of his bill. she said, "hey, listen. you don't have to do anything for me. just do something nice for someone else, ok?"


right. that's the shit, yes?


but we still had that last ten to give away.

in the course of our search we ran into charlie and derek at recreation billiards, and they, being concerned about us walking the streets in search of homeless people, came along. after a run-in with a man lying on a bench reading a book with a penlight, who told julie just to drop the money back on the ground, we were ready to give up.

ah! but then, by the grace of god or what have you, derek said, "but wait. actually. there's a priest at rec. billiards right now. i'm willing to bet you can just give him the money and he'd know someone to give it to."

and, lo and behold! the priest was still at the bar when we got there. he was basically like "that's a really really good thing to do, i will find a homeless person to give it to, thank you," etc.

and we went on our merry way.


so i felt pretty impressed with julie, especially, but with myself a little too.


fact is, i used to help out in the community all the time. samaritan ministries soup kitchen, second harvest food bank, early bird child care (for the children of people who had nowhere else to take their kids while they went to AA meetings), etc.

i've only fairly recently stopped doing things like that all the time, and that's because i'm no longer leading that, you know, super-christian, you know, on-my-way-to-becoming-a-preacher-myself sort of lifestyle.

but that's not fair to me and it's not fair to the community.

whether i'm close with the big guy or not i should still be trying to help people. it's what i enjoy.

i had a ton of focus back then. i knew what i wanted--in the here and now sense.

i don't have that anymore. i know i don't. i have no idea who i am or what i want and i don't feel good about myself.

the fact is, if i enjoy helping people I SHOULD HELP PEOPLE.

it's so fucking obvious when it's put that way, but it's something that seemingly hasn't occurred to me in, like, five years.

so i called julie, shortly after dropping her off, while i was doing my nightly 20-minute "drive-around-and-think-shit-out-and-figure-out-my-life" run.

i was like, "so, uh... i used to do, you know, 'good works' all the time. and i feel like i'm missing that. i was wondering if, if i called the samaritan ministries soup kitchen and could get in to work it on monday morning, if you would go with me."

she was like, "sure."

so i guess it's kind of set. i haven't called yet or anything, i can't until morning. what i told julie was that, if they didn't have room for us at the soup kitchen we could probably work at the food bank even though we wouldn't actually be in contact with the homeless people. she seemed cool with that.

so yeah, if anyone wants to partake in our planned lovefeast (which i assume we won't actually be partaking in as far as eating the food goes) be sure to let me know.


maybe this is the way to get some direction and pull my life back into place, you know? i feel like it's worked before. and maybe i'll find god again or something. whether i do or not, i mean... it can't hurt.

i'm saying "you know" a lot in this entry. as if i'm actually conversationally talking to each and every one of you.

respond. ok? gimme something to go on here.

who wants to love up on some appreciative homeless/needy people/families with julie and myself?

seriously, you know you do. we're a riot. it's the julie and danielle show gone broad-spectrum and giving.

just saying. i think there's new criteria if you want to get on our good side. that is: you have to care about everyone other than yourself if you're going to care about yourself.

also, and this may be irrevevant, but i'd been listening to the same sunny day real estate tape for DAYS and suddenly i put in this tape of 'the church' and the song is 'lullaby' and the lyrics to the song that came on while i was thinking about all this are as such:

we come to pay homage to the golden one
we share and bear the message of your newborn son
we follow paths of falling stars
in and out of mangers and other bars

opportunity knocked you up i guess
gave you your little baby success
you've got potential, you have the gift
you have the chance to heal a million rifts

we've been sent to sing a lullaby for you
we've been sent to sing a lullaby

we've brought oils, gold and wine and bread
a dreaming pillow for his divine head
astrologers all, we plot the charts
and we wise men, we can look into people's hearts

a doom is on the child that i can see
he don't belong in this time of you and me
his life will not be very long
before you know it -- he will be gone

we've been sent to sing a lullaby for you....



i know you may think it's bullshit. but it's a big thing, at least within the methodist church if not in other protestant or catholic or whatever churches, that every once in a while you may feel like you're being CALLED to do something.

and as cheesy as it sounds that shit still resounds in my head all the damn time.

and i don't feel like i've ever really been called before. never this hardcore. i've felt like i've had religious experiences. i've been convinced, as a child, that i had actually communications with God... but never have i felt like i was being shown any kind of path.



maybe. just maybe. this is my night.

is that presumptuous of me? man, i hope not.

i swear to god.

tonight was unexpectedly effing insane.

jesus h. christ, man.

why is it that my groups of friends have so much animosity toward one another that has nothing to do with me?


a game of trivial pursuit has gone terribly awry, folks. terribly terribly awry.


thank god no blows were thrown. sheeeeze.

so julie made friends with red, the homeless tate st. icon.

seriously. they hit it off like mad. that shit was insane/hilarious.

also: collin's greensboro birthday was the SHIT.

also: i became reacquainted with the aluminum group tonight. and i love the aluminum group. let me just say that. because damn.

also: best night i've had in a long-ass time. i hope to go to greensboro again tomorrow night.

you peeps best be waiting up for my ass.



<3--dan to the izzelle, bitches. like whoa.

julie: so we went to the black bear last night. keep in mind this was, like, 8:15.

danielle: yeah, you told me you made friends with all the black people in the room.

julie: there were only three. one of them's name was 'catfish.' i remember that much. this was apparently before i blacked out. ...no one was really talking to me, i just turned around and said, like, 'hey, what's up, i'm julie.' they were like, 'i know you ain't no anglo-saxon white girl--what you mixed with?'

-----------------------------

julie: ...then i looked at the meter and it was, like, $45. i was like "oh my god," and then i went inside and passed out.

danielle: so rusty paid the cab?

julie: yeah. he spent like $400 last night.

danielle: what? how?

julie: he went to paper moon. he can't control himself at strip clubs. he likes to make it rain.

------------------------------

julie: these potato wedges are making me nauseous.

danielle: hahahahahahahahahaha!

julie: i don't know what's so funny about that.

------------------------------

julie: oh my god! you guys were at burke st.!?

danielle: burke st. pizza, yeah.

julie: oh my GOD! i was right across the street.

danielle: haha, yeah.

julie: you guys better be glad i didn't know you were over there.

-------------------------------

julie: the day after i drink a lot i'm always annoyed with my family.

you know what song goes back and forth now between totally depressing the hell out of me and amusing me to no end?


"you are so beauuuuutiful gi-i-irl
that's why it'll never wo-o-ork.
you have me suuuicidal, suuuicidal..."





lame.


i've only just recently noticed that it plays EVERYWHERE. ALL the TIME.

way to contribute to my new-found moodswings, sean kingston. can we talk about this, maybe? geez.

i'm in a better mood today.

finished the book i was making carly.

might go out on the back porch in the nice night air and write some or something.

i'm pretty sleepy though.



might just go upstairs and curl up on the futon with it's back to mine and hug a pillow so it feels like i'm being surrounded by warmth and softness.

just a temporary replacement.



man. i feel so lost. julie said earlier that she's always felt like i operated in the real world and she operated in julie world and that very suddenly i'm, like, starting to push over into this weird mystic julie existence and that it freaks her out.

while i'm not certain what the hell that means, i mean... i guess it's not so bad.



least we can keep one another company.

i started the one class i'm going to be taking this semester at forsyth tech today. chemistry and a chemistry lab so i can get caught up and be making academic progress again and so i can get financial aid next semester.

i will be back at uncg before you can say, "damn... i haven't seen that danielle chick in a while now."

not to mention i intend to go to greensboro more this semester. especially since it seems i'll still have all monday and all wednesday off.



more than anything i'm trying to take it slow right now. think a lot. i haven't been doing that enough.

i wanted to drive to asheville or wilmington or something tonight after i dropped julie off, but my check engine light's on and i shouldn't spend all that money on gas and stuff.

i miss just getting in the car and driving, whenever, wherever...

i've got to figure my existence out. at least a little. as it stands now i have no idea who i am or where i'm going at such high velocity.

i read a couple pages of 'despair' by nabokov. what i read was awesome but borders was closing. i should have bought it. i could be reading it instead of watching season 2 of 'the simple life' five minutes from now.



on a totally unrelated note: this computer is pretty fucked right now. my mom made the fabulous mistake of clicking on a popup that said "warning you have spyware!" and now we have, you guessed it, a shitton of spyware. as well as trojan's and adware and everything else under the sun. the scan i ran found 1,755 threats.

the people at initrex say i should back up everything important (after scanning each file, of course) and wipe the computer out and start as a blank slate.



i feel alone but not necessarily lonely.

i'm mostly just tired.



i wrote a little today for the first time in a while. i was mostly just trying to play with alliteration. it's not MY point of view, though. it's just first person. don't confuse the two.


dishwater days in a desolate drain
dirty with my desperation;
slowly and slovenly slipping away
although i've no anticipation.
this purview and pondering poison's ones pride
as does the drunken debasement;
'angry at agony;' a good alibi
for feigning enjoyed fornication.



i guess i could go farther, but i'm not really feeling it beyond that. like i said, it's not me.

today was pretty crazy.

i don't know. i forced myself to eat some but it was less than the norm. which is, i guess, a good thing.

i went basically insane at work.

i'm tired but all riled-up-feeling.

i've felt like i've had heartburn a lot lately.

my phone's been turned back on. so that's some good news.

feel free to call me. i have scrabble and boggle and trivial pursuit.

and lots of free time for a while (as of last night).

i'll probably be on the internet a lot. ha.

i want to drink but my stomach doesn't want to take it, i want to sleep but i'm too fidgety, i want to do a lot of things that i can't really do right now for a number of reasons, i guess.

i wish i could find a happy medium between sad and pleasantly numbed.

my muscles ache.

this is all vague complaint.. but i guess that's what this whole livejournal thing's good for.